A personal essay
by Lara Janze
“Running my thumb over the hard edges of newly formed callouses, I shift my stance and grip the cool steel of the bar. Crouching low, I check my form in the mirrored wall of the gym; back straight, head upâ one more adjustment with my hands until it feels right. Deep breath in, exhale and lift. My muscles contract and absorb the weight. I pull the bar up to the top of my thighs, hinge my hips back and bring the weight back to the floor. Deadliftsâtheyâve become my favourite part of my training routine.
Three months ago I wouldnât have imagined being able to deadlift my body weight, or that I would be so comfortable in a gym. Iâve always been active, but like many women, going to the gym intimated me. Iâd always associated them with massive biceps, places where your worth was measured by the amount of weight on your bar.
It was my husband who got me going. After a persistent shoulder injury kept him from swim training, he signed up with a personal trainer with the hope of gaining more mobility. Results came quickly, and after a few months he asked me if I wanted to take one of his weekly sessions.
âYouâll love it,â he said.
I wasnât so sure. It took me almost a month before I finally committed to attending a session. Iâd built up a an internal resistance that I couldnât understand. Iâve tried enough sports to know there is always a learning process. I didnât have expectations that I would ace it my first time. Iâm fit and regularly get out of bed before the sun comes up to attend barre class. I wasnât worried that it would be too hard or I wouldnât be able to commit to such an early time. Yet, I still had a feeling of trepidation.
The morning of our first session, it was still dark and rain seeped through my running shell as I stood in front of the converted warehouse in Crosstown. I was buzzed in through an iron door and instructed to go down three flights of stairs. Descending into the subterranean bowels of the building, down a set of wrought iron steps no less, I started to question what I had agreed to. Images of weightlifters (lifted from my early 80âs memories from the Wide World of Sports) with bulging muscles and veins, small, poorly lit rooms I imagined to reek of sweat with little or no airflow, a den of hyper masculinity filled my imagination. Even though I knew this was ridiculous, I couldnât shake the feeling as I made my way down the last flight of steps to the door. The space was tight; you would have to go single file if there was more than one person. Not easy to turn back.”